truth is i am done pretending.

about my last post, who woulda thunk? i didnt stick with it. i actually didint even start it. i need to though. theres just so much crap going on. i dont even know where to start. i think of how i wanna write this, then i forget. alskdj; im like freaking out.

so ellens funeral was today. surprisingly, i didnt cry much during it. i tried to hold it in. i didnt want jim to make fun of me. he came with me and angie. gah, what a weirdo. i dont like these old men. anyway, im sure its gunna hit me hard tonight. real hard. i miss her. a lot. she was an amazing person, probably the most selfless woman i knew. she looked so peaseful laying there. here i go... im tearing up. im just glad shes not suffering anymore. nine long years with that horrible disease. cancer seriously needs to just die. bobbies family didnt want anything to do with her if she brought tom. so she sat with the twiins shoppe girls. i felt so bad for her. theres no way they can ever take that back. ellen definitely wouldnt have wanted that. and im sure they all know that. ron was the only one to aknowlege bobbie and tell her he loved her from the family. hes definitely a good man, ive always liked him. not in the creepy sort of way. hes in the car club... hes a nice older man. i like him like a grandpa. :]

well, i went back to school and felt like shit. i hate everything about death and dying. it scares the shit out of me. blah. but on the way back to school, i saw andy albers drive by. he waved at me and i just kinda stared through. oops, my bad. then i realized it was him and decided it was the perfect time to text him! haha. so now he has my number. woot. he brought something up about it after school. i like him too. shit. i voted him for top 10 homecoming king/queen. baha.

i came home and found out like two hours later that my grandpas in the hospital. he had a seizure or something at fazolis. idk whats going on. theyre doing some surgery or something on his heart.... they dont know any of the medicines hes on so theyre kinda just guessing and whatever. im scared. i dont want to deal with anymore of this. i missed mikes funeral. andrews in the hospital recovering from surgery and i havent talked to him forever. i kinda miss it. baha. hes a good friend. friend, nothing more. and we just said goodbye to ellen. i cant handle losing my grandpa. especially since im 3 hours away. i love him. i love him a lot. please, god. dooooont take him. my mom ran down there... like a four hour drive. i wanted to go, but my dad wouldnt let me miss school. piss.

and im super pathetic. i dont even see or talk to jake anymore, but i still think about him all the freaking time. fuck. help me. you know exactly what my birthday wish is gunna be.... seriously, lame. and i doubt itll come true anyway, but it would mean the world if it did.

i saw meredith two nights ago and kasey last night. i missed them a lot. turns out theyre both going to school at iccc in dodge, so ill have to make a million trips to see their faces! oh, and i suppose ill give blake a "hey" or two. haha. or not. i still like him. but him and jake could probably get any girl they wanted. gah.

oh, so apparently my dad wont let me or my brother on his laptop. i guess were ruining it. haha. his own fault. he should buy internet. weird! so im stuck on my computer and my internet connection up here is lamer than the laptops connection. figures. so hopefully this posts. baha.

duuuuude, the other night i gave myself a coontail. i absolutely love it! i just need to dye my hair again. reddddder. and then redo the tail. ill wait a few more weeks though.

;alksdfj; today during school, a million people were all over jen like they were her new best friends. just because shes finally showing a cute little "baby bump", theyre gunna take it upon themselves to be bffs with the pregnant girl. well, watch the fuck out. shes mine. ha. i love her. and going wic shopping in fagway with her. its a damn good time! :]

i finally got fast times at barrington high. i love the acadmy is. with a passion. william beckett is the SEX! oh, and madina lake is pretty good also, for the record. im kinda obsesed with them at the moment.

i just realized i still have to pee. i said that like 3 hours ago when i was arguing with my dad about going back with my mom. i should probably go pee then, shouldnt i?

wow, thats what happens when i dont write on here for like a week. holy moly.

and i think im going crazy...

so work, right? my boss is on a so called "vacation" taking her kids to adventureland and hanging out with her new found lover, tom. i cant believe her. two days after she buries her husbands body in the ground, after he shot himself, she goes on an official date with this tom guy. thats not even the bad part. its the kids... shes talking about how theyre getting in the way of her and tom. what the hell? YOUR KIDS SHOULD FUCKING COME FIRST, YOU DUMBASS! it just angers me. how they talk... i just want to hug them and never let go. the middle one says that he doesnt think his mom cares about them anymore. that she wouldnt give a shit if they killed themselves. oh god, colin. dont say that! i honestly didnt know what to say to that. what would you say? god... 
anyway, back to tonight. so twiins is basically going to hell anyway since bobbie doesnt give a shit about it. but were all sick of it and dont want to be there. were doing our jobs half assed. we dont care either. well, stacy and i want to get out of there as early as we can. so were busting ass, even though were a tad bit busy. angie comes over and gives stacy some drink she mixed up, stacy chugs the whole freaking cup. good lord. so im working with her and she starts saying that she feels a little buzzy. greeeeeeeeat. haha. angie comes back over with a beer. shes totally drunk, tells stacy shes coming over later and theyre going to get their drink on. haha, it was quite hilarious. but it was ridiculous at the samed time. i was pissed but whatever. stacy and i hauled ass and then got out of there. too bad i work again tomorrow night. but im working with angie, so its all good. theyre the only things keeping me there, i swear.