im gunna show them who you really are.

i think im getting sick. like, sore throat crap. i haaaaate sore throats. i hate being sick in general. unless its the kind of sick where you dont eat for like a week and lose weight. baha.

its sooo tempting to eat when theres food laying all over the freaking place. ugh. especially when its a friday night and youve got absolutely nothing to freaking do. sooo, today was kind of a bust. like, i didnt totally kill over and binge. just didnt work out. cant work out unless stacy does. im not 18 so i cant get in solo. woooooot. but, i did have pe. we did do some "aerobic kickboxing" and weights. better than nothing.

plus (+)
eggo strawberry swirl thing (140)
banana (070)
2 pizza slices (400)
total: (610)

minus (-)
damnit.

damage: 610--at least.

do the hellen keller, and talk with your hips.



i fail at keeping up with this thing. its almost been two months. holy hell. a lot of shits been going on. i dont know what to do with my life. its freezing. im tired, so i should go to bed.

"it all comes," said rabbit sternly, "of eating too much. i thought at the time." said rabbit, "only i didnt like to say antything," said rabbit. "that one of us was eating too much," said rabbit. "and i knew it wasnt me," he said.

oh, but it is me. i eat way to fucking much. and im fat. not getting any smaller. im going to start using this thing religiously and write down what i eat every day. i had that app on facebook once, and i was doing okay. then went camping and it went to hell. hopefully this works. i hate being big. ugly. fat. sick.

well, im tired. and i have to get up in sixish hours. and ive got my fucking period. ugh. tonight will be tons of fun, not.

right now, right this very moment... start eating better. and/or starve. fast. who the hell knows. i want to fit into a medium comfortably at least. i dont want to be soooo small, thats sick. a good holly/chan size. theyre decent. even ashley smith or jacie. theyve both got a little chub, but cute. and tinyish. hell, even steph. EFFFFFFF MY LIFE!
 

truth is i am done pretending.

about my last post, who woulda thunk? i didnt stick with it. i actually didint even start it. i need to though. theres just so much crap going on. i dont even know where to start. i think of how i wanna write this, then i forget. alskdj; im like freaking out.

so ellens funeral was today. surprisingly, i didnt cry much during it. i tried to hold it in. i didnt want jim to make fun of me. he came with me and angie. gah, what a weirdo. i dont like these old men. anyway, im sure its gunna hit me hard tonight. real hard. i miss her. a lot. she was an amazing person, probably the most selfless woman i knew. she looked so peaseful laying there. here i go... im tearing up. im just glad shes not suffering anymore. nine long years with that horrible disease. cancer seriously needs to just die. bobbies family didnt want anything to do with her if she brought tom. so she sat with the twiins shoppe girls. i felt so bad for her. theres no way they can ever take that back. ellen definitely wouldnt have wanted that. and im sure they all know that. ron was the only one to aknowlege bobbie and tell her he loved her from the family. hes definitely a good man, ive always liked him. not in the creepy sort of way. hes in the car club... hes a nice older man. i like him like a grandpa. :]

well, i went back to school and felt like shit. i hate everything about death and dying. it scares the shit out of me. blah. but on the way back to school, i saw andy albers drive by. he waved at me and i just kinda stared through. oops, my bad. then i realized it was him and decided it was the perfect time to text him! haha. so now he has my number. woot. he brought something up about it after school. i like him too. shit. i voted him for top 10 homecoming king/queen. baha.

i came home and found out like two hours later that my grandpas in the hospital. he had a seizure or something at fazolis. idk whats going on. theyre doing some surgery or something on his heart.... they dont know any of the medicines hes on so theyre kinda just guessing and whatever. im scared. i dont want to deal with anymore of this. i missed mikes funeral. andrews in the hospital recovering from surgery and i havent talked to him forever. i kinda miss it. baha. hes a good friend. friend, nothing more. and we just said goodbye to ellen. i cant handle losing my grandpa. especially since im 3 hours away. i love him. i love him a lot. please, god. dooooont take him. my mom ran down there... like a four hour drive. i wanted to go, but my dad wouldnt let me miss school. piss.

and im super pathetic. i dont even see or talk to jake anymore, but i still think about him all the freaking time. fuck. help me. you know exactly what my birthday wish is gunna be.... seriously, lame. and i doubt itll come true anyway, but it would mean the world if it did.

i saw meredith two nights ago and kasey last night. i missed them a lot. turns out theyre both going to school at iccc in dodge, so ill have to make a million trips to see their faces! oh, and i suppose ill give blake a "hey" or two. haha. or not. i still like him. but him and jake could probably get any girl they wanted. gah.

oh, so apparently my dad wont let me or my brother on his laptop. i guess were ruining it. haha. his own fault. he should buy internet. weird! so im stuck on my computer and my internet connection up here is lamer than the laptops connection. figures. so hopefully this posts. baha.

duuuuude, the other night i gave myself a coontail. i absolutely love it! i just need to dye my hair again. reddddder. and then redo the tail. ill wait a few more weeks though.

;alksdfj; today during school, a million people were all over jen like they were her new best friends. just because shes finally showing a cute little "baby bump", theyre gunna take it upon themselves to be bffs with the pregnant girl. well, watch the fuck out. shes mine. ha. i love her. and going wic shopping in fagway with her. its a damn good time! :]

i finally got fast times at barrington high. i love the acadmy is. with a passion. william beckett is the SEX! oh, and madina lake is pretty good also, for the record. im kinda obsesed with them at the moment.

i just realized i still have to pee. i said that like 3 hours ago when i was arguing with my dad about going back with my mom. i should probably go pee then, shouldnt i?

wow, thats what happens when i dont write on here for like a week. holy moly.