apologize, cut myself down to nothing.

its been a good month since ive even thought about writing on here. not so much the good part though. a lot of shits been going on. and i just realized i really have to pee. anyway...

i ended up hanging out with jacob one day after all. i went out to his house and it was alright. im pretty sure he hates me now. i havent talked to him forever and im pretty sure hes got a girlfriend/almost has one. hes been going to the movies and crap with her and then his brother and his girlfriend on the weekends when hes back. figures. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck life. i need to forget about him. badly.

uuuuuuum. im getting fucking pissed off at everyone at work. especially these new girls who keep saying they cant work so then i have to fucking go in. l;kajsdjf serisouly. what the hell? i got called in tonight and i wanted to go to youth group. hopefully i can get closed up early so i can still go. if not, imma be super fucking pissed beyond belief.

schools a drag. i hate comp, most of all. ms lilly is so dumb. i cant stand her. her and her missle titties. if i knew how to type sounds, i would. because i just made a fun sound while i was thinking that. it was great.

what else... oh, i saw my grandpa this past weekend. hes doing amazing compared to what they said. hes walking without the walker even. but his brains a tad bit messed up. poor guy thinks its like 15 years ago.

the twilight series is amazing. im on the third book now. and im so addicted. crazy, i read two and a half books in one month! ow ow! haha. edward, omg. im just another crazy girl. :P

so turns out i have 2 out of the 3 causes of suicide or whatever, according to the guy on dr phil. 1) i feel like a burdon to other people and think everyone would be better off without me. and 2) i feel alone, like im outside looking in. i dont fit it. hey look, i have like no friends. and ive been used and such. i dont trust easily. go me. and then theres the last one. 3) fearlessness. but im definitely not that. im scared of everything, especially death. and being alone for the rest of my life. ugh.

and i cant figure out how to post this thing like i used to. its pissing me off. i dont want it double freaking spaced!

yeah, i dont know what else. i need to quit hating life, thats for sure. i cant wait to get the hell out of here.  and now im off to work. fuuuuck life. yay!
 

youre always a true friend.

or not at all. quite the opposite actually. im so sick of this shit. never get your hopes up. never. youre just setting yourself up to be disappointed again. jake went back to mason city. then he says he feels band and hes sorry. i just told him that its fine, you get used to it after a while. truley, you do. after being ditched and let down so many fucking times, it doesnt even phase you anymore.

right in to place...

so im 17 now. and i think i might possibly be getting my birthday wish. jake texted me at 11:35. "happy birthday!" was all it said. i dont know how in the world he remembered that. but hey, im not complaining. we texted forever and he said were hanging out tomorrow. im happy. :]

well, ive got a book to read. i just got twilight. now that everybody else has already read them all. i just start on the first one. woot.

you really have no idea how much  that single text made my day. i hope tomorrows great...

truth is i am done pretending.

about my last post, who woulda thunk? i didnt stick with it. i actually didint even start it. i need to though. theres just so much crap going on. i dont even know where to start. i think of how i wanna write this, then i forget. alskdj; im like freaking out.

so ellens funeral was today. surprisingly, i didnt cry much during it. i tried to hold it in. i didnt want jim to make fun of me. he came with me and angie. gah, what a weirdo. i dont like these old men. anyway, im sure its gunna hit me hard tonight. real hard. i miss her. a lot. she was an amazing person, probably the most selfless woman i knew. she looked so peaseful laying there. here i go... im tearing up. im just glad shes not suffering anymore. nine long years with that horrible disease. cancer seriously needs to just die. bobbies family didnt want anything to do with her if she brought tom. so she sat with the twiins shoppe girls. i felt so bad for her. theres no way they can ever take that back. ellen definitely wouldnt have wanted that. and im sure they all know that. ron was the only one to aknowlege bobbie and tell her he loved her from the family. hes definitely a good man, ive always liked him. not in the creepy sort of way. hes in the car club... hes a nice older man. i like him like a grandpa. :]

well, i went back to school and felt like shit. i hate everything about death and dying. it scares the shit out of me. blah. but on the way back to school, i saw andy albers drive by. he waved at me and i just kinda stared through. oops, my bad. then i realized it was him and decided it was the perfect time to text him! haha. so now he has my number. woot. he brought something up about it after school. i like him too. shit. i voted him for top 10 homecoming king/queen. baha.

i came home and found out like two hours later that my grandpas in the hospital. he had a seizure or something at fazolis. idk whats going on. theyre doing some surgery or something on his heart.... they dont know any of the medicines hes on so theyre kinda just guessing and whatever. im scared. i dont want to deal with anymore of this. i missed mikes funeral. andrews in the hospital recovering from surgery and i havent talked to him forever. i kinda miss it. baha. hes a good friend. friend, nothing more. and we just said goodbye to ellen. i cant handle losing my grandpa. especially since im 3 hours away. i love him. i love him a lot. please, god. dooooont take him. my mom ran down there... like a four hour drive. i wanted to go, but my dad wouldnt let me miss school. piss.

and im super pathetic. i dont even see or talk to jake anymore, but i still think about him all the freaking time. fuck. help me. you know exactly what my birthday wish is gunna be.... seriously, lame. and i doubt itll come true anyway, but it would mean the world if it did.

i saw meredith two nights ago and kasey last night. i missed them a lot. turns out theyre both going to school at iccc in dodge, so ill have to make a million trips to see their faces! oh, and i suppose ill give blake a "hey" or two. haha. or not. i still like him. but him and jake could probably get any girl they wanted. gah.

oh, so apparently my dad wont let me or my brother on his laptop. i guess were ruining it. haha. his own fault. he should buy internet. weird! so im stuck on my computer and my internet connection up here is lamer than the laptops connection. figures. so hopefully this posts. baha.

duuuuude, the other night i gave myself a coontail. i absolutely love it! i just need to dye my hair again. reddddder. and then redo the tail. ill wait a few more weeks though.

;alksdfj; today during school, a million people were all over jen like they were her new best friends. just because shes finally showing a cute little "baby bump", theyre gunna take it upon themselves to be bffs with the pregnant girl. well, watch the fuck out. shes mine. ha. i love her. and going wic shopping in fagway with her. its a damn good time! :]

i finally got fast times at barrington high. i love the acadmy is. with a passion. william beckett is the SEX! oh, and madina lake is pretty good also, for the record. im kinda obsesed with them at the moment.

i just realized i still have to pee. i said that like 3 hours ago when i was arguing with my dad about going back with my mom. i should probably go pee then, shouldnt i?

wow, thats what happens when i dont write on here for like a week. holy moly.

and just walk away.

a lot of people i love are moving away this weekend. well, some of them. dont know exactly when jake is leaving, havent talked to him in a while... but meredith and blake are. chirs and kade are too. its gunna suck. schools not the same at all without all of these kids.

amy and i went to fort dodge yesterday and saw kade on duuuuuty in his lovely target uniform. she told him that him and blake need to give me and her a motorcycle ride... bahahaha. i personally wouldnt mind which one i was on. theyre both pretty boys. :P

speaking of blake, i hung out with him last night for a while. he said we needed to hang out before he left. it wasnt much too exciting. sat at the skate park with him and peck, they were smoking some sort of cigars. damn. blake chews too. i knew all of them did. but gross. a bunch of other kids showed up too. it was awkward as hell but the cop parked behind me so i couldnt really leave that easily. im pretty sure when i did leave they all talked shit about me. i didnt belong there and i shouldve left a loooooong time before i did. i thought i was gunna get a hug, but i didnt. probably cause all of his friends were there and im just a plain loser. gay. im really going to miss him. idk why though. i thought hed hate me after running into him. but apparently not. he says he likes me too. but hes just... idk.

im all sorts of confused. ive been hating life for quite a while now. and i think its mostly because of these stupid guys... mainly the one. but idk. i need a new obsession... haha.

oh, and andrews back. i think he was mad cause i didnt go see him at godfathers when he was up there yesterday. i was at jens, she was sick. sorrrrrrrry! bahahaha.

well i have to work a nice three to close today. not wanting to do that at all. maybe if im cool ill see blake again tonight. ugh, help me.

and tell me everything.

soooooo i went to youth group tonight. it was actually pretty fun. im being completely serious with this. i liked it and plan to ask off every wednesday now. might cause some controversy at work, but hey. i enjoyed it. and tims cool. i really like that guy. hes super nice and... loves god. i wish i could say the same about me. i felt so great being there though. ive been doubting god for quite some time now, but tonight was amazing. im going to continue going. tim said something to jen about her looking really in shape. it kinda killed her cause shes like "its more of exactly the opposite..." she started talking to him near the end about her whole dealio. he really wants to help. we all do. damn, i love that girl. so much, it hurts sometimes. i really hope she gets everything figured out soon. im scared.

and i think ive given up on jake. havent seen him in forever and he doesnt bother talking to me ever. im starting to not care. like tim said, just let god take over. hell do whatever to make everything work out like its supposed to. heck, im still going to try to fight this. ill get over it eventually. cause damn, i really like that kid.

ellens about gone. its really sad. im going to miss her even though she didnt like me much. shes a very strong lady. shes fought so hard for so freaking long. but after 9 years, i can see why shes sick of this and just wants to go. fuck cancer. so bobbies off the rest of the week. thisll make things difficult... hm.

im tired and sick of school already. so adios amigos!

to know what you want and to know you cant have it at all.

sooooo i think i have that bitch crazy situation solved for now. at least for the most part... shes still fucking crazy. oh man. but we know that her bf had no idea about any of this. she was definitely making it all up. i couldve told you that. but now its official. fuck you, bitch craaazy!

and that kid... you know, my stalker? well he was seen with a girl... seriously. dont tell me you like me and everything then turn around and mean pretty much absolutely nothing by it. seriously, it hurts. big time. i hate this.

haha. so i was driving around with jen, and blake pulls around me, going like 10 over the speed limit. of all people, i hit him. fuck. well, i started texting him and whatever. told him i hadnt seen him in like forever and that i thought maybe he had died. :P he told me we have to hang out sometime. i said sure. but hes all like "you say you will, but will you really?" well if he wants to, then sure?! dur. so either friday or saturday... idk. i really hate how i waited til last year to start like actually talking to people. most of whom were a grade above me. so theyre all moving out and up. thats probably one of my biggest regrets... 

later, ill probably end up driving around, hoping to find my stalker... even though im sure he hates me. im pathetic.

this is not my heart.

i apologized for being all weird yesterday. then i told him id leave him alone, and he kinda freaked. i dont get it. he saw me in town today and i didnt see him. then he told me to come find him. i drove around for literally forever. and couldnt find him. i told him i wouldnt talk to him if he didnt help me out. he got upset... i finally asked for a hint, and he said north. i finally saw him and he was sitting at someones house. then he went home. what a loser. i just wish he would ask to hang out sometime. or something. id really like for him to ask me out. but whatever. i dont know anymore.

update on bitch craaazy: angie called and talked to her today. she said that i had asked her boyfriend "do you wanna go to a movie sometime?" in front of three regulars, don, jim, and ray. angie asked both don and jim about it and they said they saw no such thing. first of all, if you ask someone to go to a movei with them, doesnt it usually that crazy lady is still freaking out about it. if it goes any further, bobbie said shed have to step in and put a stop to it.

and did i mention that im obsessed with the "happy together" target commercial? :]

 theyre filling his gut.

'cuz ur sweat and really cute and even tho you dont talk much i like your personality.' 8/17/08

that gave me the biggest butterflies in my tummy ever. and the biggest smile on my face. honestly, hes driving me insane. i love the kid. but whatever. thats all it ever is. he says he likes me. he says it a million times. but thats all it ever is. and hes like "your point is?" and i reply with "no point. im just dumb." god, im an idiot. i dont understand. i want this sooooo bad. and his little spelling mistakes make me smile, even though im crazy about that crap. but i guess you could say im crazy about him. fuck. heres to crying myself to sleep about this again. im sick of it. he says he understands girls. but what the hell? im about ready to give up.

and tonight at work, im told that this crazy woman (aka, BITCH CRAAAZY!) is talking shit about me. apparently i asked out her boyfriend like 6 months ago and he turned me down. what the hell. hes like 47. NO. i wouldnt do that. and i drive around town (which i do, a lot actually) i hang out my window and scream "HEEEEY HOTTIE!" to him. what the fuck? i dont even know who these people are. its pissing me off. 

 well i, i would have never known.

oh, and this kid. im serioulsy obsessed. yes, my stalker. jake. i love him. fuck. he says he likes me. but thats it. THATS IT. quit fucking telling me you like me unless youre going to do something about it, god damnit. I LIKE YOU TOO!  honestly, i need to get over it. but i cant. no ones ever told me they liked me before, that ive actually liked. and ive liked him for a long time. turns out he was going to ask me to prom. but nooooooo, i went with andrew and regretted it. stared at jake the entire fucking time. wished. but idk. then he tells me he was going to ask me out but never did cause he didnt think i liked him that way. FUCK! why? it seriously kills me. and him telling me he wants to kiss me. stop it. youre killing me here. i have like 284920 saved texts from him. 

'i was actualy guna ask u to prom. but i waited to long and i figured that u wouldnt want to go with me.' 3/15/08. 

'oh. uk i was guna ask you out b4.' 5/31/08. 

'yea i still like you. your the only person i kiss on the cheak.' 5/31/08. 

'i kinda wana kiss you. dont ask.' 6/5/08. 

'u really dont kno how bad i wana kiss you. but shh nobody needs to kno but you.' 6/19/08. 

'but i like you.' 8/15/08.

and thats only some of them. shit, ive never wanted anything this bad. im completely serious. i cant just let it go. idk why i even like him. well hell, why does he like me? for crying out fucking loud. i dont get it. :[