apologize, cut myself down to nothing.

its been a good month since ive even thought about writing on here. not so much the good part though. a lot of shits been going on. and i just realized i really have to pee. anyway...

i ended up hanging out with jacob one day after all. i went out to his house and it was alright. im pretty sure he hates me now. i havent talked to him forever and im pretty sure hes got a girlfriend/almost has one. hes been going to the movies and crap with her and then his brother and his girlfriend on the weekends when hes back. figures. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck life. i need to forget about him. badly.

uuuuuuum. im getting fucking pissed off at everyone at work. especially these new girls who keep saying they cant work so then i have to fucking go in. l;kajsdjf serisouly. what the hell? i got called in tonight and i wanted to go to youth group. hopefully i can get closed up early so i can still go. if not, imma be super fucking pissed beyond belief.

schools a drag. i hate comp, most of all. ms lilly is so dumb. i cant stand her. her and her missle titties. if i knew how to type sounds, i would. because i just made a fun sound while i was thinking that. it was great.

what else... oh, i saw my grandpa this past weekend. hes doing amazing compared to what they said. hes walking without the walker even. but his brains a tad bit messed up. poor guy thinks its like 15 years ago.

the twilight series is amazing. im on the third book now. and im so addicted. crazy, i read two and a half books in one month! ow ow! haha. edward, omg. im just another crazy girl. :P

so turns out i have 2 out of the 3 causes of suicide or whatever, according to the guy on dr phil. 1) i feel like a burdon to other people and think everyone would be better off without me. and 2) i feel alone, like im outside looking in. i dont fit it. hey look, i have like no friends. and ive been used and such. i dont trust easily. go me. and then theres the last one. 3) fearlessness. but im definitely not that. im scared of everything, especially death. and being alone for the rest of my life. ugh.

and i cant figure out how to post this thing like i used to. its pissing me off. i dont want it double freaking spaced!

yeah, i dont know what else. i need to quit hating life, thats for sure. i cant wait to get the hell out of here.  and now im off to work. fuuuuck life. yay!
 

and just walk away.

a lot of people i love are moving away this weekend. well, some of them. dont know exactly when jake is leaving, havent talked to him in a while... but meredith and blake are. chirs and kade are too. its gunna suck. schools not the same at all without all of these kids.

amy and i went to fort dodge yesterday and saw kade on duuuuuty in his lovely target uniform. she told him that him and blake need to give me and her a motorcycle ride... bahahaha. i personally wouldnt mind which one i was on. theyre both pretty boys. :P

speaking of blake, i hung out with him last night for a while. he said we needed to hang out before he left. it wasnt much too exciting. sat at the skate park with him and peck, they were smoking some sort of cigars. damn. blake chews too. i knew all of them did. but gross. a bunch of other kids showed up too. it was awkward as hell but the cop parked behind me so i couldnt really leave that easily. im pretty sure when i did leave they all talked shit about me. i didnt belong there and i shouldve left a loooooong time before i did. i thought i was gunna get a hug, but i didnt. probably cause all of his friends were there and im just a plain loser. gay. im really going to miss him. idk why though. i thought hed hate me after running into him. but apparently not. he says he likes me too. but hes just... idk.

im all sorts of confused. ive been hating life for quite a while now. and i think its mostly because of these stupid guys... mainly the one. but idk. i need a new obsession... haha.

oh, and andrews back. i think he was mad cause i didnt go see him at godfathers when he was up there yesterday. i was at jens, she was sick. sorrrrrrrry! bahahaha.

well i have to work a nice three to close today. not wanting to do that at all. maybe if im cool ill see blake again tonight. ugh, help me.

and tell me everything.

soooooo i went to youth group tonight. it was actually pretty fun. im being completely serious with this. i liked it and plan to ask off every wednesday now. might cause some controversy at work, but hey. i enjoyed it. and tims cool. i really like that guy. hes super nice and... loves god. i wish i could say the same about me. i felt so great being there though. ive been doubting god for quite some time now, but tonight was amazing. im going to continue going. tim said something to jen about her looking really in shape. it kinda killed her cause shes like "its more of exactly the opposite..." she started talking to him near the end about her whole dealio. he really wants to help. we all do. damn, i love that girl. so much, it hurts sometimes. i really hope she gets everything figured out soon. im scared.

and i think ive given up on jake. havent seen him in forever and he doesnt bother talking to me ever. im starting to not care. like tim said, just let god take over. hell do whatever to make everything work out like its supposed to. heck, im still going to try to fight this. ill get over it eventually. cause damn, i really like that kid.

ellens about gone. its really sad. im going to miss her even though she didnt like me much. shes a very strong lady. shes fought so hard for so freaking long. but after 9 years, i can see why shes sick of this and just wants to go. fuck cancer. so bobbies off the rest of the week. thisll make things difficult... hm.

im tired and sick of school already. so adios amigos!

 theyre filling his gut.

'cuz ur sweat and really cute and even tho you dont talk much i like your personality.' 8/17/08

that gave me the biggest butterflies in my tummy ever. and the biggest smile on my face. honestly, hes driving me insane. i love the kid. but whatever. thats all it ever is. he says he likes me. he says it a million times. but thats all it ever is. and hes like "your point is?" and i reply with "no point. im just dumb." god, im an idiot. i dont understand. i want this sooooo bad. and his little spelling mistakes make me smile, even though im crazy about that crap. but i guess you could say im crazy about him. fuck. heres to crying myself to sleep about this again. im sick of it. he says he understands girls. but what the hell? im about ready to give up.

and tonight at work, im told that this crazy woman (aka, BITCH CRAAAZY!) is talking shit about me. apparently i asked out her boyfriend like 6 months ago and he turned me down. what the hell. hes like 47. NO. i wouldnt do that. and i drive around town (which i do, a lot actually) i hang out my window and scream "HEEEEY HOTTIE!" to him. what the fuck? i dont even know who these people are. its pissing me off. 

and i think im going crazy...

so work, right? my boss is on a so called "vacation" taking her kids to adventureland and hanging out with her new found lover, tom. i cant believe her. two days after she buries her husbands body in the ground, after he shot himself, she goes on an official date with this tom guy. thats not even the bad part. its the kids... shes talking about how theyre getting in the way of her and tom. what the hell? YOUR KIDS SHOULD FUCKING COME FIRST, YOU DUMBASS! it just angers me. how they talk... i just want to hug them and never let go. the middle one says that he doesnt think his mom cares about them anymore. that she wouldnt give a shit if they killed themselves. oh god, colin. dont say that! i honestly didnt know what to say to that. what would you say? god... 
anyway, back to tonight. so twiins is basically going to hell anyway since bobbie doesnt give a shit about it. but were all sick of it and dont want to be there. were doing our jobs half assed. we dont care either. well, stacy and i want to get out of there as early as we can. so were busting ass, even though were a tad bit busy. angie comes over and gives stacy some drink she mixed up, stacy chugs the whole freaking cup. good lord. so im working with her and she starts saying that she feels a little buzzy. greeeeeeeeat. haha. angie comes back over with a beer. shes totally drunk, tells stacy shes coming over later and theyre going to get their drink on. haha, it was quite hilarious. but it was ridiculous at the samed time. i was pissed but whatever. stacy and i hauled ass and then got out of there. too bad i work again tomorrow night. but im working with angie, so its all good. theyre the only things keeping me there, i swear.